


Sturm and Drang

by HeraldicMage



Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: By which I mean each chapter has a bit of art in it, Codependency(?), Guardian Suicide, Illustrations, In Short: Avin is very troubled and needs a hug or 10, Injury Recovery, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Suicide, Thanatonautics, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-13 14:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20584169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeraldicMage/pseuds/HeraldicMage
Summary: In the wake of one particularly traumatic experience at the hands of someone he trusts, a Warlock is left to pick up the pieces of himself, alone.  Between self-sabotage and his angry - if equally hurt - Ghost, recovery seems like nothing more than a far flung desire, but one way or another he'll find his feet again....Right?(Companion toZeraCyfr'sstoryBad Reputation)





	1. unusual

No one in the City paid any mind to a Guardian doing something "unusual". Unusual was a loaded term when referring to Guardians, after all, and "running through the streets" was ultimately no more strange than chronic dancing. 

Avin was thankful that no one paid any mind to him and his panicked dash. 

He was vaguely aware of Leshya in the back of his mind, frantically trying to get his attention. But he couldn't justify stopping to listen. Couldn't spare the attention. There was nothing Leshya could say, anyway. Nothing he was interested in listening to. All he wanted to do was fall to the ground and scream. 

But Gheist had told him to run. 

And so he ran.

The pain was indescribable. 

His undersuit clung to his body with sweat and blood, the more coarse fibers of his coat clinging to the gaping hole in his side. He wasn't sure how deep the wound was, only that it was cold. Blisteringly cold. He wasn't even sure if the sensation of still dripping blood was real, or just a falsehood provided by his panicked mind. 

He did feel lightheaded, though. 

Staring up at the building, he didn't even remember getting to his apartment. The first safe place his subconscious thought of. As he began his shaky ascent of the stairs, Leshya once more tried to push through the pained fog of his mind. 

_ He _ ** _will_ ** _ find you here. _

_ It is _ ** _not_ ** _ safe here. _

Ah. There was still blood on his hand. He'd have to clean that from the door later. 

Later? 

He pushed the door closed behind him, legs finally giving out as it clicked shut. 

Leshya would never forget the broken, ragged sobbing that fell from Avin's chest. Would never forget the soul-curdling moans that broke up the sobs as clawed gauntlets curled into the freezing wound. 

Would never quite shake a singular thought. 

_ **'Was this my fault?'** _

** _ _ **

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there and welcome to my first foray into an actual multi-chapter fic!
> 
> As you may have noticed in (and inferred from) the summary, this story is here because of [ZeraCyfr's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeraCyfr/pseuds/ZeraCyfr) story, [Bad Reputation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17647964/chapters/41616653). 
> 
> If you haven't read that, I highly recommend that you go do so.  
I can tentatively say that you don't _have_ to have read it in order to understand this. However, you _will_ get more out of it if you do, as this was written with the express purpose of being a companion fic to offer more detail of Avin's side of the story.
> 
> I will be tagging this to the best of my ability, and if I miss the mark on something please let me know so I can add it. It's not rated M for any sort of fun reasons, instead it's a safety rating for the fact that this is going to focus _heavily_ on Avin's trauma, and the poor ways in which he handles it. Also, there's illustrations, more than one of which is a bit bloody. 
> 
> That said, I do so very hope y'all enjoy this.  
Go check out Zera's writing if you haven't, and I'll see y'all in the next update.


	2. resignation

** _1 hour later_ **

Leshya understood why Avin returned to the apartment, but it didn't mean he liked it. It would be too easy to find him here - would Zak chase them down once Gheist rezzed him? The thought was enough to make him shake with rage. He _ trusted _ Zak. Asked him to _ help _ him. And instead, all he did was add another death to the pile. If Avin's thanatonautical pursuits were pointless, then this was...whatever came after pointless. He wasn't sure he'd be able to scrub the memory from his mind anytime soon.

If ever.

He had never felt so helpless. There was nothing he could do but watch Avin pace through the apartment. The curtains had long since been drawn, only the barest light shining through. Avin stopped, shifting anxiously on his feet, but forward motion began again, as though it never stopped.

It didn't take a mind-reader to know he wanted to run.

Leshya's shell trembled as another panicked whine escaped clenched teeth. He was reminded of when they were last on Felwinter Peak and found a wolf, injured and far from the Temple. Fear and withdrawal. And in pain. So much pain. It was the only reason he was thankful that Avin was blocking him on every mental link they shared. He wasn't sure _ he _ was strong enough to shoulder even a part of the pain. Maybe that made him weak. _ Leshya _ wasn't the one who was just shot by his Lightbonded, wasn't hunted through the alleys of home with barely an explanation. He wasn't the one who had to experience a bolt of Void tearing through his side; he didn't even know a Shadowshot could do that much gruesome damage.

Lost in thought, he didn't realize Avin had stopped his pacing once more. However the slick slide of metal and leather brought him back. Brought him back just in time to see the blade, an old gift he noted with bitterness, brought to bear. Not at him, oh no. There was nothing he could do to stop Avin from drawing the blade across his own neck. Nothing he could do to avoid the first thought across their link for hours.

** _: _ ** _ I still feel it, it has to stop please make it stop I can't I can't I can _ _ t- _ ** _:_ **

All he could do was tremble in the air as Avin's body hit the floor lifeless for the second time that day. All he could do was realize that red was _ not _ Avin's color. All he could do was wonder if he'd be able to get all the blood out of that scarf this time; they both loved it so much, it'd be a shame to lose it to such foul stains. 

It took far too long for him to actually make it to Avin's side, to actually begin to heal him. That fresh, second smile was far too deep, far deeper than it needed to be.

_ ( It didn't need to be at all… ) _

Leshya had never had a problem healing Avin, and he wasn't about to start now. But Traveler's Light was it hard to stay steady...he couldn't stop trembling, wanted nothing more than to cry. Could Ghosts even cry? Maybe it was that slightest bit of weakness that kept him from a flawless repair. His optic couldn't leave the silver, slightly indented slash still visible on Avin's neck, not even when Avin gasped for breath, returning to the living once more. He couldn't fix it, maybe it was because he wanted a reminder? A reminder that some problems shouldn't be trusted to others? A reminder that he failed as a Ghost? 

_ ( He never stopped to consider that maybe it was _ ** _Avin_ ** _ who didn't want it healed. ) _

He almost cried out in despair as he realized that Avin was still blocking him. It wasn't unexpected; Avin had never been good with addressing his personal disasters, but he had still hoped that maybe this would be different. A fruitless thought, unfortunately. The ragged, pained, panting set his nerves on edge, almost more so than the near hollow look in Avin's eyes. Leshya took the knife, putting it in storage. 

He'd give it back when the pain had lessened, even just a bit.

** _1 week later_ **

Avin still hadn't spoken a single word.

He wasn't still blocking Leshya on mental channels, at least, but Leshya almost wished he was. There were very little mental words to be found, but there _ was _ a near constant wave of _ pain _. Emotional, soul-deep, physical...all of it. And Leshya could do nothing about any of it, not even the physical.

The problem laid where the Shadowshot struck. He'd only gotten a short look at it since...the Incident, but...to say it looked bad was an understatement. It was a foul wound, flesh still torn away from Avin's side in a ragged chunk, slowly being rebuilt with each pass of healing. The Void Light itself was the only reason blood was remaining on the inside. It coated the crater like algae on a pond. It snarled, undulated, still tried to bite into the flesh even as Leshya healed it.

And there was nothing Leshya could do to remove it.

It resisted all attempts to clear it. Leshya suspected it had to do with how closely Avin and Zak's Light was - had been - tied. It was easy to confuse their signatures, unless you had experience working with them. The song in this gruesome Void was different than it usually was, all harsh notes and screaming, but the signature at its heart was still so close to Avin's own. And Leshya suspected that was the problem. Avin's own Light was locked to that corruption, preventing it from being cleansed. Unless, of course, his own Light was purged as well. But that was only a theory. 

It didn't change the fact that Leshya still hadn't been able to completely heal him over a week later. Avin's fingers dug into his side, blood staining the bandages anew as he gasped for breath through yet another wave of pain. Leshya did what he could to help ease the pain.

It wasn't enough.

It was never enough.

** _2 weeks later_ **

Avin was finally on his feet again, a mighty victory in the face of everything. He still hadn't spoken, and still didn't seem to _ want _ to be on his feet, but it was something. Leshya could Sense the frustration below the despair. The physical damage to his side had finally been healed, the flesh puckered no more than a more mundane burn of the same scope. But still the angry Void clung to it. Still Avin was left gasping for breath as stabbing pain would occasionally try to drive him to his knees. Leshya sympathized with the frustration, feeling it himself every time he had to apologize for what he couldn't do, every time a wave of pain made Avin pause.

It didn't stop him from trying to heal it, however.

In the absence of active duty, Avin buried himself in his research. Sometimes it was enough to distract from the pain. Leshya's own guilt kept him from saying 'no' when Avin said he was going to the Dark Forest. Said that maybe field research would help more than sitting in the apartment, reviewing notes. 

Leshya was just glad that Avin had finally spoken, even if it was only mindspeech.

The unearthly aura seemed to help the burning Void pain. At least, it didn't seem to hurt.

** _3 weeks later_ **

Avin pulled his knees up to his chest, sat on the old, broken couch as he watched Devrim survey Trostland. He wishes he could say he didn't flinch at the rifle's crack when it found a target. 

Devrim didn't push for the story - It didn't take a genius to be able to tell that _ something _ was bothering the young Guardian. But he could also tell that it was a tale that wouldn't be told until he was willing. As the Fallen scavengers scattered, he sat down his rifle, gently pushing a rapidly cooling mug of tea towards the silent Guardian. 

_ **** _

**" **I'd appreciate it if you could stop by once a week, or so.**"** Devrim kept his voice light, pausing to take a sip from his own mug, **" **I know you've been spending a lot of time at the Shard, lately. I do hope you'll forgive me a bit of worry. Besides, I've always enjoyed our conversations. Just consider it keeping an old man company, if that sways you.**"**

He almost gave up on receiving a response, as Avin seemed to show no interest beyond whatever problems were at the bottom of his mug. But, as he was moving to pick up his rifle again to resume his watch, he finally heard a quiet response, voice rough from disuse.

**" **I'll do my best. It does get too quiet out in the Forest sometimes…**"**

The quiet **«**_Thank you_ **» **from Avin's Ghost as they left made Devrim think that maybe, just maybe, he should have pushed a little bit harder.

** _2 months later_ **

**" **There's no reason for you to keep bothering with this.**"**

It was more the resignation in Avin's voice that stopped Leshya than the words themself. A gentle hand shooed the Ghost away, before pulling his shirt back on. Before covering the angry purple wound once more. Still no change. Still just as pained. Still just as gnarled.

**" **It's obvious it's not going to heal anymore. I just...have to live with this.**"**

**«** _There just has to be one little thing I'm missing. I'll figure it out Avi, I promise. I'm not-_ **»**

**" **It's fine, Leshya. It's fine.**" **

It was not fine, Leshya thought, studying the dark circles under blue eyes dulled with exhaustion. He knew the pain kept him from getting a good night's sleep, not that those were very common before Oldtown, anyway. Knew the ever present tension in his expression was just because of the constant background radiation of pain from the Voidscar. It was not fine, but Leshya knew he couldn't argue with Avin. Not about this.

**" **I just...have to learn to live with this.**"**

Leshya tried to ignore the notes of despair in that simple acceptance.


	3. forgiven

It was still so easy to track him down. 

Even with Leshya seething in the back of his mind, and his own anxieties, he'd known Zak for years. Loved him for years. Figuring out which hide he'd have slunk away to was practically second nature.

That didn't keep him from anxiously lurking at the base of the tree, however.

It should be so easy to just…climb. Find the hidden ladder, scramble up the trunk, let his Light lift him to the platform he knew was tucked in the canopy. Options to ascend, and yet his clawed boots still nervously tore at the grass beneath. 

**_: _**_It's not too late to just leave, you know._ **_:_**

Leshya's voice was like venom in his mind. As it always was in regards to Zak. Always was since Oldtown, anyway. Avin couldn't understand the vitriol; if he himself had moved past the incident, then why hadn't Leshya? Leshya wasn't the one who was shot, so why was his anger so much more? 

**_: _**_I can't leave. Not without seeing him. I _**_miss_**_ him, why don't you seem to understand that?_ **_:_**

Avin could feel Leshya's disgust without even seeing the agitated spinning of his shell. **_: _**_He's not worth your time, Avi! Why can't _**_you_**_ understand that? He _**_betrayed_**_ you! How do you know he's not just going to shoot you again the moment you walk through that door-_ **_:_**

**_:_** _He won't._ **_:_**

**_:_** _You don't know that!_ **_:_**

**_: _**_I do. Something had to be wrong. The Zak I know never would have shot me like that._ **_:_**

**_: _**_So you admit you don't know him._ **_:_**

Avin's lip curled slightly, fear and anger warring for control. He was _ tired _ of Leshya continuing to try and drag Zak's name through the mud. Tired of him telling him how he was supposed to feel about this whole thing. He didn't justify the Ghost with a response, finally leaping to the hide nestled in the tree, claws barely clicking against the wood as his Light gave him a gentle landing. 

He saw Zak leaned against some shelving, recognizing him more by stance than by appearance. The cloak was new, Fallen-made by the looks of it. He couldn't help the curiosity over where Zak had gotten such a thing.

Curiosity was quickly squashed, however, as Zak spun to face him, hand reaching for the gun at his hip. Avin couldn't help the strangled whimper at the back of his throat, nor the way he instinctively shrank back. His side ached, and it took all his willpower to not clasp a hand to it.

**"** Why would you come here, Avin? **" **

The question hurt almost as much as the paracausal wound at his side. Curiosity dulled the hurt once more as he caught a glimpse of new damage on Zak's face. However, Zak turned slightly before he could get a good look, obviously trying to hide the injury. Avin frowned, heart still pounding double-time. **"** It wasn't as though I could never come back . **"**

Zak seemed befuddled by the admission, but only for a moment until incredulity settled in its place. **"** ... You could've, though. You _ should've _ never come back. After…after what I did? **" ** Zak's gaze flicked to Avin's wounded side, and Avin couldn't help his own attempt to hide the already hidden injury. **"** You shouldn't… How can you trust me enough to be here ? **" **

There were those accusations again, just in a different flavor. Leshya said Zak couldn't be trusted. Zak himself was now saying the same thing. He let his gaze fall from Zak, shoulders slumping. Why did they keep saying that? Did no one care what _ he _ thought? What _ he _felt? 

**"** ... I don’t know. I just know I couldn’t bear the weight of your absence either. So… weight versus weight. Heavier one wins . **"**

The intensity of Leshya's hatred at his admission was almost enough to bring him to tears. 

He was seeing Zak again…so why did he only feel the need to cry?

He almost did as he reached for the frayed strands of their broken Light-bond, only to _ feel _ Zak recoil. _ Felt _ the sense that Zak wanted nothing more than to chase him away. 

**"** ... What I did to you is unforgivable… you can’t have… you can’t forgive me. It’s not in your power. **"**

It was always amazing to Avin how easily a few words could yank the mood in a different direction. 

He just barely managed to hold back a snarl as he crossed the gap between them, claws snagging in that mysterious purple cloak as he yanked Zak into facing him. His ears barely registered the clatter of metal on wood as something was kicked across the room in the brief struggle. **"** It's not your right to tell me what I can and can't forgive . **"**

Some part of him was glad that he finally seemed to have the upper-hand in this conversation. But mostly he was just floored by the damage marring Zak's face.

_ **** _

He could practically taste the Dark in the jagged edges of the metal. Felt the way the Light struggled to cling to the barely healed wound…for all that a metal body would heal, anyway. His mind raced through all the options he could take to clean the wound, make it hurt a little less than it _ felt _. Anger fell from his bones as he raised his hand to Zak's face, cupping his cheek while his thumb gently brushed the edge of the jagged gouge in one of the plates…

Until he was sent stumbling back, shoved by hands that had once held him so sweetly. 

Zak held himself tense, as though fighting his own internal war. **"** Avin…I don't… You can't trust me. You can't- **" **

**«** _ He's right. You can't trust him. _ **»**

He knew it was too much to hope that Leshya would remain silent. **«** _ Avin, we need to leave. You didn't listen to me then and look where it got you. You need to get out of here. _ **»**

The soul-deep ache only grew when Zak added his agreement. **"** Listen to him, Avin. I don't know what Oldtown was, but… I can't… You can forgive me all you want, trust me all you want. I can't trust me anymore. So… Go. **"**

Avin wasn't quite sure how to feel. Even still both Zak and Leshya were trying to tell him how to feel. How to process. He _ hated _ it. He wanted to snarl and snap at them both, shout until his anxiety forced his silence. He wanted to push his head against Zak's shoulder and nuzzle into the synthmuscle, attempting to comfort them both.

Some part of him wanted an unyielding metal hand pulling at his collar, yanking him forward to snarl a dismissal before shoving him away again.

That's all he deserved, after all.

Instead, he reached once more for Zak's cloak, hoping to draw him close once more.

Instead Zak shoved him away once more, no more kindly than he had before. 

Avin felt his hands begin to tremble, the traitorous part of his mind telling him to run in the face of that. Run whilst Zak was sat on the cot, giving him the time it would take him to get back to his feet. His toes curled in his boots, curving the claws down, digging into the wood as he resisted the traitorous instinct. **"** I can't just go, Zak… You- **"  
**

Whatever words he meant to say were replaced with a rattling gasp, half bitten back as he was finally forced to clutch his side as the pain became too much to ignore. He couldn't help the way his body crumpled slightly, trying to curve in on itself as though that would shield the Light-deep wound. He could faintly sense Zak's concern as he got to his feet, and wanted nothing more than to lean his trembling body into the hand that had yet to be outstretched. 

The hand that never had a chance to be outstretched, as Leshya darted between the Guardians, a venomous look in his optic for the hesitant Hunter.

A desperate sob, choked back into nothing but the barest chirp in the back of his throat, escaped Avin as Zak sat back down, offering nothing more than a horrified look. Why was Leshya keeping him from that _ comfort _ ? Why wouldn't he let him just sink into Zak's side, as he'd _ always _ done when he hurt? 

**"** ...It never healed, did it? **" **

Avin flinched back once more as Leshya spun from his fruitless endeavors to stabilize the wound. The anger in Leshya's voice would haunt him in his sleepless nights. 

**«** _ Of _ ** _course _ ** _ it never healed, you idiot! You _ ** _shot_ ** _ him! You tore through him! I can't even begin to fix the _ ** _physical _ ** _ damage you did, and your thin tin skull can't wrap around the idea that you might've actually hurt him, can it!? _ **»**

As Leshya advanced on Zak, Avin couldn't help but take a trembling step back. Tears stung the corners of his eyes, blinking furiously to keep them at bay. He couldn't lose it here, not like this. Oh, but Stars was he afraid… 

**«** _ I should have _ ** _never_ ** _ asked you for help. _ **»**

Leshya continued to glare at Zak, oblivious to his Guardian's distress. There was more he wanted to say, so much more. More than he could ever hope to put words to. He wanted to tell him how Avin killed himself not even an hour after Oldtown, driven to desperation by pain. Wanted to tell him of the weeks Avin spent silent, not even talking to _ him _ . Wanted to tell him of the sleepless nights, the broken sobbing, the constant agonizing _ pain _ Avin was in.

But he said nothing.

He said nothing, only glared.

Zak took a step back. 

That singular _ thump _ of boot on wood was the extent of what Avin's frayed nerves could handle. 

Avin couldn't swallow back the yelp this time as he stumbled backwards, visage pale and posture hunched. A slurred litany of **"** No no no **"** was the backing for his half-hearted retreat, claws catching on the seams of the floor. It was a miracle that he stayed upright, though it was a near thing. 

**"** I'll go, I'll leave, please don't…don't… **"  
**

He wasn't sure what he didn't want. 

Zak made no move to reach for Avin, staying stock still despite his heart screaming at him to comfort.

Leshya drifted closer, trembling with both his own fury and Avin's panic. **«** ** _You_ ** _ did this. _ ** _Never_ ** _ forget that. _ **»**

Hunter and Ghost remained locked in that foul standoff. 

Avin fled. 

His knees finally buckled as he hit the forest floor, the claws of his gauntlets digging into the dirt and moss as he struggled to keep from throwing up. A struggle lost before fear drove him upright once more.

Make distance. Run. 

_ runrunrun _. 

** _"_ ** _ This is what you're after, isn't it? _ ** _" _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the first instance of such, but there may be occasional bits of dialogue that are the same as what can be found in Bad Reputation. Figured it didn't make much sense to fiddle with concrete, already established stuff like that.  
In the long run, the moment of overlap are few, but if you read bits of dialogue that seem similar, don't worry. It's intentional.


End file.
